1. Everyone is screaming. Based on everything seen in movies and on TV, there’s a very hectic energy surrounding births. Everyone is screaming, it’s chaotic. Even the doctors and nurse are screaming, despite the fact that they’ve done this kind of thing
2. You will watch an anus and vagina become one. Apparently, this isn’t guaranteed, but every man prepares himself mentally for this moment. We’ll see some messed up shit happen to our partner’s undercarriage. Things that we’ll carry with us the rest of our lives. Granted, she has it actually happening to her, which is probably worse, but at least she’s not staring at it
3. Your partner will poop all over the table. This is another one we just need to roll with. Her body will just be shooting stuff out of every hole, right?
4. There are fluids everywhere. Everywhere. Bring a smock because you’re going to be finger painting with birth slime and all kinds of goop. You’re covered in goop, your kid is covered in goop, and your wife is covered in goop like y’all just won a Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Award. And this is apparently the happiest moment of your life. Your existence peaks with you covered in placenta paste, or whatever.
5. We have to stand there so our partner can scream at us about how horrible this is. That’s really why we’re there. Why else would we be allowed to take up space and get in the way of the doctors and nurses who are actually doing something constructive? And he can’t really say anything because what could he possibly have done to make himself “even” for childbirth? No amount of chores or presents or back massages measure up to forcing a human out of your bathing suit area.
6. We’ll be very concerned that they will somehow swap our baby with someone else’s. A man has one job in the operating room, and that’s to welcome the baby into the world. And then it’s immediately whisked away to a room with tons of other babies where they can play the shell game with your newborn. The fear is unfounded, sure, but there’s still a sense that since your partner is basically knocked out from pain and drugs, that it’s up to you to make sure you go home with the right baby.